Disappointment

I am thoroughly disappointed by someone I have considered a great friend. It turned out that he's not all that great. I am so sorry to have loved him. I regretted it deeply now. All these time I thought that he would be different because he got money of his own. But turned out, he's the same as everyone else. He's just as disappointing as ever..

To make matter worse, he gave me the impression that he cares for me. He's so good that disguising his heart so when I looked in his eyes, he seemed sincere. I only found out from my spiritual guide after I have fell head over heel in love with him. In the end, it all came out that it's about money... It has never been about love. I don't know how anyone one could be so cruel. He stole my heart then broke it into millions of pieces for me to sweep up and glue back like jigsaw puzzle.

I should have known that he never meant what he said. I have known him for more than 20 years. Yet he had the heart to break my heart...

PO Day

Today, I am totally pissed off. I am sexually frustrated, yet none of my friends with benefits can fuck me. Not my boyfriend, not my friends, not my partner. Then to make matters worse my boyfriend asked me to help him get loans. Then I use my good credit in US to get a loan. My portfolio manager reminded me of the inconvenients and griefs my father put me through some 10 years ago. He told me that he is paid by me to look out and protect my interests. He knows that I'm a sucker for love and always try to find a way to bail the men in my life out of their jams. Yet, when I'm the one in the jam, they make themselves unavailable to get me out of my jam.

To top my bad day, none of my downlines is ready to go to work. They all have issues and tired and unable to find people to prospect. I'm so close to breaking down w1th anger and frustration. I simply so upset that all I want to talk about is business and money.

Happy piss off day to me.

Emotions

If 2 months ago someone were to tell me that I'm going to feel jealousy, I would have laughed in his or her face. The fact is this month alone, I can feel every emotion that all those love songs talked about.
I don't know how it happen, but it did. I keep asking myself the same question over and over again. How could I be so stupid and let myself fall in love with him? I never fell for any sad story a man gave me before so why now? I feel so stupid, stubborn, jealous of his wife, excited, sad and bad for him.

Now I wonder, should I stop seeing him for awhile? Should I just talk to him via sms only and never again see 1 another?

I realize that we can never be. So how do I switch off my feeling of love?

Please catch me, I'm falling....

Please catch me I'm falling in love with u. That's the lyric to one of the country songs. It describes how I feel about one of my best friend this week. Initially I just want to use him for sex. I told him of my intention and he doesn't mind. I don't when did I start to fall for him or have feelings other than friendship for him. It seems out of the blue. I will have to reflect on my time and recall how did I come to fall in love with him.


Usually when I'm unsure I consult my tarot card. This time even the tarot card is predicting marriage and pregnancy. That scare me even more. What make things worse is my astrological reading came in. It described my situation and feeling perfectly. It also said something about my power of intuition. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

Working hard

This week has also been quite productive for me. I have inspired Julie to find new customers. She has managed to find 2 new customers. So the race is on. I too want to find new customers. Before my nauseating and sleepy pills, I find it difficult to get excited. Now I'm so excited that I simply want to hunt down all my friends and catch up with them and do demo. I feel like the old me is back. Whenever I feel sleepy and someone come along and ask me to do demo, I feel energized instantly. It's even better than speed or coffee.

So I want to clear all my sales target by the end of this week. That way it will be sure that I'll have enough money to pay my maid's bonus, to pay off my credit card bill and the rest of my bills. I don't have the habit of asking other people for money to pay my bills and I'm not going to start now. I'm just going to have to break through now. Oh, I also want to make enough money to go away with my son. If I can go to Jakarta for the holiday, it would be wonderful. That way I don't have to spend too much money, because my son will hang out with his grandfather. It's healthy for him to do. Then next month I can go away to Singapore to hang out with my daughter after the success seminar. So this is incentive for me to work doubly hard and doubly smart.

a good day

I think that I might be having a good week. For the past 3 days I can focus on work and smile freely. Yesterday Hendri decide to give me a call to say hi then when I update him on the exciting things of the business, he started to give me crap and his negativity. So I stopped him and told him that I won't take it from him or anyone. From now on I want to entertain only the positive side of the business from sidelines or downlines. If any of my prospective downlines is having a bad day and complain about it to me, I can help him/her to see the positive side of things. I want to be a phoenix who rises from the ashes of deep depression into greatness. I am not built to be mediocre. I chose to be mediocre because I didn't see any reason to do otherwise.
Now things are different. Now I want to take back control in parenting. I want to take back control of my life and how things go. Although I was a bottomless pit for anyone who wants to unload their problems, I am not made to take crap. I am not a toilet. I am built for greatness. I know that I am because I have done great things in the past. Now it's time for me to be great again. I want to rise above any muds of negativity that surround me. In my faith, we are to rise like lotuses who germinate in the muds but rises and bloom unsullied by the mud. I am going to rise by taking 1 day at a time. Today I manage to sell 3 items but the day is still young. I might be able to sell more things and ideas before the end of the day.

I am confident that I can do it. Now it's time to print up those ads then post them. It's my time to shine this week.